Where the rubber hits the road

There have been so many times in this past month that this phrase has gone through my head. I think that as we step out in faith, as we seek to follow God, as we are stretched outside of our comfort zone there are many times that the truths we know in our head haven't quite made their way to our hearts and our actions. You see, if I am being vulnerable and completely honest a lot of this past month has been marked by fear and unbelief. It has been me in my own strength trying to make things happen instead of trusting in a God who made all things and is the Author of not only this adoption but all life!!! If any of you have stepped out in faith you know exactly what I am talking about. It is Jesus calling Peter out of the boat to walk on the waves and as long as Peter has his eyes on Jesus he can walk. It is when Peter takes his eyes off of Jesus that his fear takes over and he begins to sink. Then it is only Jesus who can rescue him. I want to be bold like Peter, you see there were eleven other disciples that night that stayed in the boat. I want to be called out of my comfort and safety to walk on the water for Jesus. I have found myself so many times over the past couple of years in over my head and completely out of my comfort zone. Yet once I step out of the boat, just like Peter I begin to look around me instead of at Him and I find myself so easily consumed by fear and anxiety. I forget who I am in Christ and I start to feel the waves overtake me. I daily find myself completely in need of my Savior to rescue me.

Let me give you one example from this past month. We have been trying to get our home study complete for well over two months now. We finally finished all of our visits about a week and a half ago and thought we would be sending our approved study off to Springfield for DCFS endorsement (yes the state of Illinois requires not only your agency to sign off on the home study but also DCFS). We knew that the process of DCFS endorsing it can take about a month. So we hoped to get it to Springfield as soon as possible. We were informed by our social worker last week that somehow several clearances had been overlooked from previous states my dad and Robert and I had lived in and needed to be secured before we could send it for approval. We also found out that my dads name search had not come back from the FBI yet. So instead of seeing this as something the Lord had allowed in this journey to bring our children home, in my typical get it done mode I set out to check off all of the things standing between me and that homestudy getting to Springfield. I allowed this to consume a week of my life. I allowed it to rob me of my joy. I relentlessly made phone calls and tracked down background searches and at the end of the week still found myself without one of the missing items. I was at the end of myself, I was empty and frustrated. I felt like I was sinking. I had at first justified my scrambling around by telling myself I was doing this for my kids. But the truth is if I was being completely honest what was driving me was fear. Fear that something would go wrong if my dossier didn't get to Ghana quick enough. Fear that somehow if I didn't work hard enough to get it done it just wouldn't happen. My eyes had completely gone off of Jesus and onto myself and my circumstances. Can I just tell you this isn't a first for me. This is a pattern! A pattern that I believe my loving Father wants to break! It was through a dear friend that the Lord finally got through to me. She reminded me that this was my opportunity to rely on God not myself. To trust that He began this work and will see it through and that He loves these two precious children and our family more than I could even imagine. So instead of running around for several more days like a chicken with my head cut off, I stopped, got down on my knees and confessed my fear and unbelief and asked God to fill me and help me to trust His sovereign plan. And by His grace He did just that.

So you are probably wondering what happened with the lone missing piece of paper. Well, it came in that same day that I got down on my knees. But can I caution you not to rejoice in that fact! Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that it finally showed up but the tears of joy that were cried that day were not for that piece of paper. What did bring me to tears was the fact that I have a Father who in His kindness showed me that my joy could not and should not be found in my circumstances but instead should be found in Him. He is the only One who can sustain me and rescue me when the waves are crashing. He longs for us as His children to not seek out all the "goodies" He can provide but instead seek Him! He is the real gift and He is worthy of our trust. So I pray that as He continues to call me out of the boat and onto the waves I will not cling to my security and comfort and somehow think if I just work hard enough I will stay afloat. I pray that I will keep my eyes on Jesus and boldly follow Him through whatever storms or calm waters He brings my way. I pray the same for you too!